The girl behind the computer screen...

There is a real girl behind this computer screen. Sometimes she's easy to forget about or hide, but she's there. She has real problems and bad days. She loves for everything to be perfect, and has been known to shove a mess under pillows just so it doesn't show. Still, sometimes the mess needs to be seen. Behind your computer screen is a very real, insecure and messy girl. And it's me.

I'm not sure what it is about today that makes me feel the need to be raw with you guys. Maybe its because of all the good things in yesterday's post. In all honestly I don't feel successful, nor like I have it all together. Right now there is an enormous stack of receipts and files on my desk that I need to sort through. Thankfully, I just finished loads and loads of editing, but there is so much more coming my way after this weekend. It feels like there are a million emails in my inbox that need answering. My to-do list is about a mile long. I'm still in yoga pants and haven't showered yet. The dishes need washing, the laundry needs folding and the floor needs sweeping. I need to make a mail run and go buy groceries too. I should probably work out and prep something for supper today as well, but that probably won't happen. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and feel like I can't do it all. Sometimes I break down and cry really hard...like I did a few nights ago. I love my job and my life, I really do. This is all a blessing and a privilege. It's moments like the photo above that and days like yesterday that make all the tedious little things worth it, but it doesn't mean that they aren't there. My goal is for this to be an uplifting and positive space, but doesn't mean my life is always happy. I have bad days and weeks. I get in horrible moods sometimes. (Who wants to read about that anyway?)

Anyway, I don't know if any of you can relate with my life today, but it feels a bit like a mess. Sometimes its easy to look others and feel like they have it all together and can do it all, especially when they have what you want in life. I know, I struggle with it. This isn't where I thought I'd be when I dreamed about my life 5 years ago. It's not even remotely close to what I wanted. Even still, I am so joyful and thankful to be where I am. The road my Jesus is on is the best one. Following Him is a blessing. No matter what chaos is going on, God is still God. He is good, gracious and generous. He's the only reason I have gotten anywhere. He is my life and I depend on Him. Yeah, a lot of times I know I take the glory for myself, but it's really His. This is all from and for Him - I am just a vessel. I have followed His leading, and this is where He has brought me. It's no mountain top perfection, but a real and daily struggle to climb after Him. Most days I stumble and fall flat on my face. Oh, but there is so much joy! My heart is full and overflowing, not because of my circumstances or because of anything in life, but because of Him. That is why I'm happy. That is why I'm excited about life. That is why I love what I do so very much. It's Jesus, and only Jesus.

I'll leave you with a verse I'm loving lately. I want it to seep into my heart...

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." (Matthew 5:5)

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