Life has seasons, just like nature. It has been so helpful for me to view my life through the lens of seasons. They don't last forever, and whether enjoyable or not they do pass. Around the time we got married 7 years ago, I had a year-long season of stillness. It was a humbling time when our dreams seemed like they'd never work out and God said "no" to so many things. It was also an incredible time of growth in my life, and God's nearness was palpable. When we got married, we thought our plan was for Jonathan to finish school and then head off to seminary. We'd both get our Masters of Divinity and then head out to serve God in some big, beautiful way. After a few months of marriage, regular jobs and real life, God took away that desire entirely and we knew it wasn't what He had for us...but what did He have instead? We didn't know. We longed to get of what we felt like was not much of a mission field, if I'm honest - Dothan. It's natural really. We wanted to do something BIG for God and smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt didn't seem like the most obvious place. I don't think it ever crossed my mind that God might call us to stay.

You know what freedom feels like? Letting go of any desire to "make it" in the industry, to have our music "out there" in some way, the desire to be published here or there, caring about likes or followers, traveling to certain places, shooting for a certain style of client, to be known, "keeping up" with people/ social media, to have people perceive me a certain way, to do anything "big" for God, etc, etc, etc...God broke me of the chains I didn't even know I had this Summer. And I have felt so much freedom since. I don't have it all right, and I battle against caring too much about what others think and not enough about what GOD thinks. What is there to strive for if not good goals? Goals are good right? Absolutely! But the Lord is leading me to let go of all that in pursuit of small things. No more striving. No more looking for when the flowers will bloom - just digging in the dirt and being faithful to tend my little plot of earth every day and keep out the weeds.

There is this deep-rooted fear in my heart of not being good enough, not measuring up and being  tried and found wanting still. I think many of us have this same fear. For me it goes back to when I entered a new class in first grade. I was the new girl, venturing into a new class. I was a little shy, but I don't think I'd ever struggled too much with self-consciousness. But that day changed me. Fairly carefree, I asked a table full of girls if I could sit with them for snack. They replied, "This table is only for cool girls with sparkly chapstick." And my fate was sealed. Uncool. Not enough.