In the Silence Between...
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Kinabrew-1001
"The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between." - Mozart
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Since I am teaching both my older girls and younger boys, I’ve tried to teach the boys to ask, “Whats’s next, Mommy?” after they finish a project. I need to help them learn not to run off the minute I go help the girls. I’d say they remember 50% of the time. The other 50% they run off and make a mess somewhere in the house, and I have to go find them and show them what’s next.
Spiritually, I’m a lot like my little boys. As I’ve been teaching them to say, “What’s next, Mommy?” throughout the day, He’s been teaching me to ask, “What’s next, Father?” too.
You would never know from these photos that we were not deep in a winter wonderland…unless, I showed you the second photo of the speed limit sign. In reality we were right by the main canyon road and just off of another road that goes up to the normal sledding spots further into the mountains. With a slight shift of perspective, my camera only saw the snowy wonderland and not the road a few steps behind us. One view was an ugly, muddy mess, and the other view was beautiful and magical.
Back in April we purchased five tiny caterpillars and took them home. As soon as we got home, Simon grabbed the container off of the counter and dropped it. I thought we had just killed our newly acquired beings. Thankfully, caterpillars are pretty resilient. For 12 days we watched as they grew and grew, waiting anxiously for when they’d make their chrysalis. The kids were mesmerized. It was funny how long we could sit and simply watch them move around in the container. One day we woke up to one in a newly formed chrysalis, and 6 days later we woke up to one emerged butterfly. We released them just in time - the day before a big trip back East. It was a beautiful way to wrap up our school year. They loved watching the caterpillars grow, and I loved watching them grow. (Though I thoroughly enjoyed the caterpillars too.) Watching my kids find joy in learning and in nature is such a blessing to me. Getting to teach them so many thing is such a joy. I both lose and find myself in being their mother and teacher.
There is something extra special about photographing twins. It brings back all the memories of when our twin boys were so tiny. It's a unique and incredible journey to have have multiples. The Bunnell family welcomed the most precious twin baby girls into their family recently. It was such an honor to photograph this precious family and document the arrival of their twin daughters. They were such a dream to photograph. It’s so sweet that twins are so comforted by the nearness of each other. Being a twin mom is pretty incredible.
I love creating things, anything really, whether it is working to make a garden or making art when I photograph my kids. It’s in our DNA to create as image-bearers of God. But I don’t really create from nothing; I create with things God has already made. He is the one who makes things from nothing, and yet invites us to be co-workers with Him. There is no other place I can see this more deeply than in raising children. God does the deepest work of creation, but allows us as mothers to have life grow within us. As children grow, He partners with us in their continued growth and development. They are exactly who He made them to be. We don’t choose their personalities or features, but we do get to be a part of shaping what God is doing in them. What a gift and privilege!
I don’t have to know where I’m going anymore. I’m fine with riding passenger. It’s taken a while to get rid of the bad theology of “The American Dream” (or most of it, I hope). I’m not the “master of my fate” or the “captain of my soul” as stated in Invictus. I’m content, joyful even, to know Jesus is leading me. Even with so many reasons to be discontented, I’ve found God has given me contentment. I’m less “in control” than I have ever been. I honestly don’t even know what this summer or next year will look like, what I’ll be doing, or if things will resolve in so many respects. Yet I know this is where God has led me. So how can I have contentment without any “game plan”?
I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life I haven’t been hoping for something. I’ve struggled throughout my life when there wasn’t something “to look forward to”. If there wasn’t anything, I planned something, anything. When things got hard I comforted myself by looking ahead and thinking, “But I just have to make it until ___ (something fun) comes.” My joy and contentment was very much controlled by the circumstances of my life. (Enter the difficult years.) It’s been a crazy past 4-5 years, full to the brim with difficult things. To name a few: a hurricane crushing our home, my mom dying after a sudden diagnosis of late-stage cancer, my husband having emergency heart surgery at 35, being homeless several times, PTSD, etc…Planning something to look forward to just stopped working for me at some point. When life is so hard you can’t look beyond the next few hours or when what you see ahead only brings more anxiety, you need something MORE. Better. Deeper.
It’s the time of year that many people look back on the year that is drawing to a close and highlight all the good or say “good riddance” and wish for a better year to come. I’ve thought often about what this year means to me in retrospect. It was certainly an “ebenezer” year, and I wish I had an actual stone to put somewhere in remembrance. It was a year I saw a true miracle: God spared my husband’s life when he had, at best, a 2% chance of survival. It was incredible, undeniable and I will never be the same or stop being grateful that we can all still be together as a family. But we can’t tie up our story with a nice bow. We can’t say “God saved Jonathan and this is why.” I can’t negate the dark valley I walked through afterwards or the fact that Jonathan still lives with a medical condition that gives him pain and hinders normal activity. He still can’t run around in the yard with our kids and he’s not back to 100%. The discouragement and limitations that continual nagging pain causes is hard for us both, especially because it looks like there may not be any resolution on the horizon apart from another miracle of God.
I love the Christmas season, and I always have. But as I read the other day, Christmas seems to be a great magnifier of good and bad. Many good things seem even better, and hard things can feel even harder. I have known both sides. This time of year reminds me of loss and reminds me of my innumerable blessings. Over the years I’ve parred down the things that we do during Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the things! But oftentimes I need the simplicity so that I savor the reason we are celebrating and not succumbing to merely being busy. I’ve found that these are things we do every year because they are simple and meaningful. Apart from reading a good advent devotional, here are a few of the sweet traditions we enjoy, old and new:
The outdoors have always called to me. Many times I feel I simply need to go outside and feel some sunshine on my face. During our normal homeschool days, we try to take a daily walk around our neighborhood. But after my husband almost lost his life in February, I’ve been rethinking, well, everything. I took an imaginary look forward into our future. In five years I will be 40 years old, our youngest (the twins) will be 7 or 8 and our oldest will be 14. I can’t imagine them being so big and independent since they insist on “Mommy!” for everything at present. That is a big change in such a short amount of time. It reminded me that I have a lot of groundwork to lay in these brief years. There are more vital things than schoolwork, though I do still want a high bar set for academics. Going through something traumatic will teach you that you can’t survive without a good framework and a good vision for your life. The unnecessary things seem to crumble away. I see now the need to change a lot of rhythms in my life, and being outside for my sake and my kids was something we all needed more than our current schedule allowed. Our curriculums have always encouraged a field trip day or something of the like on Fridays, and we did that plenty, but now we go outside for different reasons.
I have always thought that Autumn is the perfect time of year for family photos, but every year I fall more and more in love with Utah in the Fall. The Wise family was such a joy to work with this year. Each family is uniquely beautiful, and I love seeing how each person and family is never replicated. Even though this is my favorite location, no shoot ever turns out the same. I loved how this family was so caring for their baby brother. The light was beautiful, but love makes the magic in photos.
It’s true what they say, the years go by so quickly. My babies don’t have their summer tan anymore and the all the flowers have faded, even though it feels like just a few days ago everything was green. I want to view all of my life, but especially the present with nostalgia. I want to see my life through a rose-colored lens. Just looking at a black-and-white image seems to do it for me every time. I need the reminders: “It’s sweet” and “It doesn’t last.” Though each part does seem to get sweeter, even though many things in life are hard, I want to savor each moment. I want to FULLY live and love where we are right now. I think this means looking for joy and beautiful things, like chubby cheeks, morning light, and “I wuv oo mama!” I often pass by beautiful things because they are simple and ordinary, but they are the things that I should hold close to my heart…Like my Sammy’s baby hand holding a flower to give to me.
What if life-giving words were spoken to us over and over and over? Words have the power to shape us, yet we often don’t give enough attention to what our own words are doing. James gives us the image of the tongue as a fire, yet Proverbs speaks of good and timely words as “apples of gold in a setting of silver.” We can let our words be something that destroys beyond all repair (only rebuilding) or something beautiful, valuable, and enriching.
Limitations can be blessings if we let them. Have you ever thought of how most songs, even something as complicated as a piece in a symphony, is technically comprised of only 7 different notes of a single scale? The art of painting is even more limited. All the colors used come from a mere 3 primary colors. Drawing is mostly made up of 3 shapes: circles, triangles, and rectangles. All the beauty of nature cycles through 4 seasons, year after year after year. Whole worlds are created from these limited means.
Family sessions in Utah are so magical! I had an amazing time capturing Sarah and her sweet family. Funny enough Sarah and I are both from the same town in Florida and ended up in Utah. It was such a joy to connect again and make some portraits for her family. My nostalgic old-soul loves the opportunity to create memories that families will look back on for a long time. I want to create imagery that feels like a worn antique, an old home, or a classic story read for generations. They’re things you can’t replicate; their age and imperfections tell a tale that make them unique. In the same way, I want to tell a stories with artistry that has character and a bit of ethereal je ne sais quoi. I’m not seeking to create something trendy or commonplace; I want to preserve a distinctly individual and authentic glimpse into a family’s history that will still be cherished years down the road. Message me if you’d like to make something like this together.
You couldn’t have asked for a sweeter, more relaxed family. I love when families come ready to simply be together with each other. These siblings were so affectionate with each other. One of the most magical parts about being a photographer is getting to capture how your kids are right now, before they get any bigger. It is true what they say, it all goes by so fast. Preserving these little years is a privilege I don’t take lightly. Message me to make some beautiful memories together!
With Autumn right around the corner, I am getting so excited about photographing families in it’s splendor! The crisp air and contrast between the faded grasses and the brightly arrayed leaves is magical. October is the most perfect month for family photos, in the grandeur of the mountains especially. If relaxed, peaceful and joyful feel with breathtaking backdrops is what you love, please message me to inquire about booking one of my limited dates this upcoming Autumn!
The hardships I’ve been through, this past year especially, have felt like falling overboard in the middle of the ocean and plunged into icy depths. The undertow is stronger than my ability to push upwards, and am horrified to find my struggle only takes me deeper and deeper down. My only hope left is God, and without His help I will certainly drown. Maybe you’ve been there too. There are in life those moments that take all the breath from your lungs and all the strength from your body and soul. All the light of day becomes small fragmented beams that dance mockingly on the surface of what pulls you under.
I am a mom of 5 kids ranging from almost 9 - 2 year old twins. To say our home can be chaotic sometimes is an understatement. I really didn’t know how in the world we would were going to make it when the twins were born. They were only a month old when we started homeschooling with a 2nd and preK student, along with our 2 year old. But we survived, and it was actually a great year. I am wondering again how we will make it happen this fall with twin 2 year olds, but I know we will find our way. If you have multiple ages you are schooling and littles, I hope this is a help. I’m still in the thick of it, so I can’t say I know everything. This is just works for us.
I am excited to finally share this post for any of you interested in starting the homeschooling journey. It’s been going on six years of homeschooling our kids, and I can hardly believe that our oldest is going into 4th grade! I haven’t put anything out there before now, honestly because I was still getting my bearings on our homeschool rhythms. (Throw baby twins into the mix and you will quickly discover what really works and what really doesn’t!) Now our routines and goals feel more like second nature to me, though as our kids learn and grow I am too. I’m thankful that homeschooling doesn’t feel so big and scary anymore. I do still question everything on at least a yearly basis, but my confidence as a teacher has expanded as I see that they actually are learning something! And by now, I’m see they’ve learned a lot! All kids really need is someone to be curious with them, and to help them love learning by modeling it. After that encouragement they really flourish on their own. All in all, I have come to truly LOVE homeschooling, and I love to help others on their journey so they can love it also.
Lauren is luminous, so it was fitting that this day brought some of the most enchanting light I have seen in a long time. It surprises me sometimes how sessions turn out. I always pray beforehand that God will allow me to get a glimpse of how He sees the people I photograph. I love to craft the session around what I see in them, and not just spit out the same poses or use the same formula for each portrait. As it turned out, God already had the perfect day picked out for Lauren. As much as I can try to create as a reflection of Him, He is still the master artist. To be honest, I’ve never quite photographed anyone like this before. The combination of the light as subject was like discovering something as it unfolded before my eyes. The warm light that kissed Lauren was not of my making, but God’s. The colors shifted into unique hues with the changing of the sun’s rays behind the clouds. I can see and frame things, but it was all already there. I didn’t make any of the beauty that came into my lens.
I remember when I was in the throws of having newborn twins, moving into a new house, and starting a new homeschool year. We had just transitioned from three kids to five. It was a continual cycle of feedings, meal making, school, feedings, and naps. Rinse and repeat all day. To be honest I was living in survival mode, constantly stressed and frazzled. I never got much of a break and was needed nearly 24/7. I wanted to find joy in my numerous blessings, my five kids, and our life, instead of drowning in all the work it took to keep everyone alive and fed. I wanted to be a calm and gentle mom, not a stressed-out mom. I wanted God’s peace, not a constantly hectic feeling.
Real love means being vulnerable
Opening my heart might leave me bruised
True love means laying down my life
To choose another’s good
Real love makes me take chances
Against the worst of odds
It’s a rose grown by the well-traveled path
Blooms though it may be under-trod
Barely grown, yet standing at the alter
We were so young then, all those years ago
White with innocence and green with youth
So much life to come - what did we know?
Our sweet little Elias broke his collarbone last week. It was pretty rough to see him so pitiful and hurting. After his accident he wasn’t very responsive, which was so scary for me to experience so soon after Jonathan’s emergency surgery and ICU stay. At the ER I watched him being scanned by the same machines that had just scanned my husband and hooked up to heart rate and oxygen monitors, all of which felt eerily similar to what I’d just been though. As I sat in the ER room waiting for answers about our son, I wondered why God would allow this to happen as I was just finding healing from nearly losing my husband. I couldn’t hold back the tears as my precious son grimaced in pain and the surroundings took me back to those trying days in the ICU.
My soul has become languid
All passion lies dormant in my soul
Chilly winds have made me cold
Threatening to consume me whole
