Little Deaths

mountains (17 of 22)

Jonathan and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 20. We were both pretty young, so we didn't plan on rushing through the dating process. I hadn't really dated anyone before and we both knew we wanted to take things slowly. After dating a while I remember when it really sunk in that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We weren't engaged, but I knew. Honestly, I had known from the beginning, but it felt like I had finally realized that there was no turning back after that point. This was for the rest of my life! In that moment I had a little funeral for the old me, free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I had to prepare to put someone else's needs before my own in a new and different way. Of course I was excited to become Jonathan's wife, but it was a little bittersweet goodbye. I loved my single years and I was never going to have them back. The season of marriage came a little sooner than I had thought, and elated as I was I knew I'd be different from then on. The girl I was before was going to fade and I was going to become a new version of myself.

Change. It's the nature of life. None of us stay the same, at least not really. As we enter into various seasons we grow and transform. Most of the time, it's a beautiful thing.

Now I'm entering into a new season of becoming a mama. I am so very happy. Jonathan and I have had over 3 1/2 beautiful years of adventures together. I love how these years have grown me. I'm a better person because of being married to him and because of what God has done in our lives. We've had so much fun, just the two of us. I feel more free, more true to my authentic self that God has created me to be than ever before in my life. Thus, I can't help but feel a little twinge of sadness to leave that behind. Through this pregnancy I am dying little deaths as I become someone new. I'm going to be someone's mother. There will be a little human who will rely on me for everything for it's first few years of life. I will need to take on a new level of selflessness, not just in babyhood but for the rest of my life. I want to be so devoted to helping this little person blossom into exactly what God has created for them. I want our little babe to step on our shoulders and reach to new heights. I see that as such an honor. It's not so much the mothering part that causes the small bit of sadness. I'm excited to come into that role. It's that I know I'll become a different wife, a different friend, a different daughter, sister, business woman, artist and on and on the list goes. Everyone says, "Being a parent changes you in ways you don't even expect." I know it's true because I'm already changing. I suppose I'm having a little celebratory funeral for my life up to this point. I think it's just my way of being thankful for what I've been given and moving on.

This season is so much more to me than getting to put together a cute little nursery, dress up a baby or other mom things for me. It's a little death on my part so that new life can come into the world. And I welcome it. So here's a grand goodbye to the Jennifer Blair I once was. I'm looking ahead to how God is going to mold me into a new woman through this little life.

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